Let’s talk about Dorian

The next university term starts in two weeks and reflecting on the 2 1/2 months of holiday I achieved maybe one quarter of what I wanted to do. Because there is a huge gap between the things I say I want to do and the things I actually do. In the beginning of my holiday I came across the movie “The picture of Dorian Gray” with Ben Barnes because: Ben Barnes.
I haven’t watched the movie yet but I bought the book by Oscar Wilde (which I’m obsessed with now. Oh, so sassy, so witty, right my kind of author). I didn’t read the book yet. Because of the gothic genre in general I watched another two movies that fit into that and bought the collected works of Edgar Allan Poe.

I had a lot of ideas for stories that I wanted to write. Original stories and fan fiction. I wrote my ideas down but I never started to actually write the story. Fast forward to today: Still didn’t watch/read/write anything I sat out to do in the beginning but I’m still obsessed with Dorian Gray. I love everything about it. Since the first time I saw a vampire on TV when I was six years old (‘Rüdiger, the little vampire’ – a kids tv show) I’m fascinated and obsessed with immortality. Something mankind will never achieve because “Everything that lives has to die”, as Hamlet says. But I still read, played, watched and wrote about vampires and every other immortal.

Along my life I obsessed and obsess about a lot of things. There were months I was obsessed with Naruto, Batman, certain games, crystals, you name it. (Aside from the big ones of course: Harry Potter, Star Wars, Sherlock, My little pony) I never regret any of my fandoms or obsessions ever. They led me to great knowledge about various things and plenty enough stories that I can’t tell anymore because there is not enough lifetime left for me. They all sparked creativity, critical thinking and imagination. God, I never want to stop being inspired and obsessed by things.

Back to Dorian Gray. Who wouldn’t love to be like him? I would. I would like that my good looks and charm get me everything I wanted and not even really work for it. To live forever to see how mankind changes and progresses in the future. To have the freedom of time to learn any skill and knowledge and see all the places in the world. But even Dorian had to realize that his immortality might be more of a curse then a blessing. Question: Do you really want to struggle through eternity with the world it is today? You cannot just travel forward in time.
You’re immortal, not the Doctor! With how the world is today I doubt I want to see mankind in 300 years. They still might be there but how would I have ended up along the way? In a unexpected war zone? Raped? (Because immortality not invincibility)

Seeing all your friends get old and die. Everyone around you gets sick or dies and you cannot form any long-lasting relationship because every decade you have to move away getting a whole new identity to protect yourself from crazy scientist who want your secret to eternal life. No matter how long you can extend pleasure. I’m not sure if I would want this gift.

And yes, pleasure is an addiction. Just spend a week doing only the things you like to do and that you find easy. Whatever that might be and you realize you don’t want to stop. You want it to go on for forever like this. Enjoying the best food, just watching TV, just reading, painting, just pure pleasure. And when it goes like that for a while I get the feeling the holidays are too long.
Only fun and no work make ME a dull….person. I work in the holidays and I wish I could work more but sadly my working place doesn’t seem generous with us. No, they even cut back our hours that I barely earn anything anymore. That’s why I quit.

I’m not mourning about having too much free time because I use it wisely for self improvement, improving skills and to study for university beforehand. I’m saying that I have an underlying feeling that there needs to be more.
Something more long lasting, deeper.

About writing and my relationship to journals

I love journals. I buy them. I hoard them. I’m like Smaug, just with journals and books. I don’t have as many as I would like and I have probably far too much for all the things I want to write down.
They are beautiful. All of them! I ordered one and waited three weeks for it and now I’m disappointed with it. After all I have some expectations. It doesn’t lie down on the surface as well as I wish it would and I hear the glue of the binding cracking, so it’s not even stitched. I will keep it because it’s unusual and from Sherlock Holmes. (In case you want to look at it: Sherlock Holmes Novel Journal)

I also ordered a new dotted Leuchtturm1917 (highly recommended brand in opposition to Moleskine) for Bullet Journaling. I stared Bullet Journaling in March 2016 after a friend told me about hers and showed it to me. That totally convinced me to dive into that.

It arrived yesterday and today I sat down for 5 hours to set it up and it taught me a damn lot. A damn lot about perfectionism and how entirely imperfect life is. It like the BJ because of it’s flexibility and it can hold everything I need and want and like. I can put everything in there I plan to do in one day/week/month – you name it – and I can make it look how I want it. I have a bit bigger handwriting so I need more space to write down my dailies.

While I was setting my new BJ up I used a few printables and just as I was drawing the Calendex I messed up two lines and a some smudging which was still small but still there. The perfectionist in me was pissed but okay, I can go with it. Then I was writing the dates of the days into the corner of each box and while I was at November I wondered why the days don’t fit into one month even though I calculated how much space I needed. I figured that I messed up along the way counting the days. So I wrote the wrong number in the wrong box…. I was so enraged that I put it aside and thought: “If I can’t come up with something good now I’ll throw this thing outside the window, take the toll and order a new one.” (Of course I wouldn’t want to waste another 15 bucks for another new one)

But – here is where desperation hits creativity – I came up with covering the whole pages of the Calendex with coloring pictures that I ripped out of a coloring magazine. I cut them to the right size, glued them onto the pages and printed out pre-made monthly boxes with number in it. Then I put washi tape around everything as borders and I have to say I really like how it looks like now.
I feel like Bob Ross, where you think he messes up his own picture with that huge black stroke right in the middle but turns out to be more beautiful in the end. Good lesson for patience and perfection. I still keep it very minimalistic just black and white and golden titles for the months and weeks.

The color I put in comes in the dailies where I write down every task with certain colors after my color code. (you know: red for work, green for appointments, yellow for holidays, turqoise for tasks and so on)
I put in another coloring picture as cover for January and a color in bookshelf for my “books I want” and “TBR”- lists.

The Bullet Journal is anthracite-gray and has a name now: Doctor; like in Doctor Who. Because it’s gray as his hair and freaking difficult and complicated.
I also got a filofax Domino in green polka dot. I named it Clara because it’s small, light and cheery. I got this filofax by kind of an accident. Since one or two months I thought about getting a buddy for my BJ because it got quite heavy and it’s big (A5 hardcover).
I wanted something smaller, simpler and lighter to carry around outside of the house but I didn’t buy anything because it’s not really something that I essentially need.

Before my birthday I found a broken filofax at work and got it for free. (We can’t sell broken things, so it gets sorted out and what can’t be send back to companies stays or gets thrown away)
The closing button was ripped out and I thought about sticking it back on with superglue or hot glue but a colleague at work suggested to send it to filofax themselves. I expected them to send it back to me because I had no receipt (and that’s completely fine!) but they offered me a discount in their shop if I ordered a new one. So I did order a new one. A small handy one in green polka dot and I love it. It’s so beautiful and neat.
It’s a bit hard to write in because of the rings but if it’s something longer to write I’ll just take the page out.
So I accidently got a companion for my BJ. Thank you universe!

As you can see I still rely on old school planning and handwriting. I also write journal in my BJ. (I flip it around upside down not to mess with daily planning) I write journal in separate journals. I used to write daily. I tried morning pages. I used to write prayer journal. Back then a long time ago I used to write fiction stories and poetry onto paper by longhand but it was too distressing on my wrist so I typed instead.

My handwriting is neither artsy nor lettering nor pretty. It’s a mix between cursive and block letters. Simple but practical and yet I love it. Typing is great for longer things but I still like to write letters or journal by longhand. I write journal for various reasons but mostly to get it out of my heart and head. I never really fill a journal to the end before I buy a new one. Some of my journals only have a couple of pages of writing, the rest is unused.

When do I write journal? Well, every time I have something that needs to get out. By the time it pops up in my head I have nothing laying around to write down so I take mental note until I have a journal and write it out. Comes out totally different than I had in my mind before but that’s with all writing.

I love to set down pen to paper. Liquid ink to dead wood. I don’t particular like my handwriting but that doesn’t really matter. I learned to live with it. Often times I feel like writing but nothing comes up in my mind oh, and I don’t always write in my mother tongue German. I write a lot in English and maybe that’s why it is so hard.
My English is far from perfect or business but a lot better than it used to be in school. I listened to everything in English. I read everything in English. It’s a rare occasion for me to watch a show in German. I only go to the movies if I can see the movie in original language (English).
I despise most German dub thanks to my Anime time where I watched every single Anime in Japanese original dub with English subtitles because I couldn’t bear how the German voices spoke the words. One very famous example is Sasuke from Naruto. The ‘U’ is mute!!! German dub will never learn it to align more with the original language. The same with the translation of John Snows name to ‘John Schnee’ in the new publishing of the GoT books. Never change a person’s name!

I’m so glad Netflix kept every single noun in the German version of Shadowhunters. The mundanes are still mundanes in German. Except for warlock which is shamefully translated to ‘Hexenmeister’. A warlock in the shadowhunter universe is not the same as the understanding of a ‘Hexenmeister’ (High magician) They should have kept the name of ‘warlock’. It’s the name of an entire species after all. (/geek end)

As you can see don’t get me started on translations or dub. It’s difficult where to cut the line between keeping names of things or species and to translate them so you don’t end up with every second word in English. (Sonic Screwdriver = ger.: Schallschraubenzieher – semi happy with this)

Thank god for the choice I have…..oh where was I just now and what was this entry about again? Oh, yes writing!
I love writing and yet I don’t give it enough time of my life. There are plenty of things to write about and yet I don’t write as much as I wish I would because I simply don’t prioritize it enough and because I’m scared.
I’m scared to mess it up. I can’t find the right words for the first few lines so I give up. And yet there is nothing that fulfills me more than writing. I get a real kick out of it. It speaks to something inside of me I can’t pin point but it’s there and it’s like birthday, Christmas and the most great moments are all at once. ALL the feels at once! It’s messy, it hurts, I hurt my characters, I let them hurt others, I let them love, I let them kill, I let them feel things I didn’t know I could feel, I let them own the world, the good the bad and the ugly.

And sometimes I just put thoughts down with no intent.

It’s the end of it as we know it

The year is already two days old and I failed to publish this entry. So far for new resolutions and habits to stick with. As you can see they don’t.
What shall I say about the end of the year that hasn’t been said by countless of people?
There is actually one thing that stands out to me: I became friends with two people that enriched my life and added to it in a very positive way and I’m SO glad and feel so blessed to have met them.
It has been quite a year. The good, the bad and the ugly. It had it all.

Looking back at December 2016 for now:
oh boy, has that been a month! A very very stressful that’s for sure but also a very very great one. The first perfect Christmas since years because I’m not the same person I have been before. So many things changed internally. I could fully enjoy it! (And my inner sloth, too!)

I made people happy and that made me happy. That’s what I truly treasure.
I don’t do New Year’s Resolutions because one can change their life all year at any time and not just once but I do enjoy the thought of a clean slate. Just take a deep breath. Do you smell it? The clean slate.
There is only one thing I will do and the word for 2017 I chose:

START (with capital letters)

START everything you want.

START to use everything. No saving up things anymore. Use those stickers, use those colors, read that book, watch that show. There is no future point you are waiting for. (except for death) Time passes all the same and it’s a lot less wibbly woobly. It passes whether you do anything or not but what matter is: in the future you will be older and you will never run out of things to read/do/watch/use. There will always be something. Just look at the stack of unread books.

Just start. The most difficult is always the beginning. If you got over it, it’ll be more easy.

No wise words this time except: 2017, you just wait and see!

It’s the end (of the month) as we know it – November edition

Time flies by so quickly I nearly forgot to post this.

( For anyone who was questioning how I would track this: I put everything in my weekly habit tracker in my bulletjournal and then log it into a monthly tracker.)

What a month. Since I track certain things and write recaps here I feel like I’m much more mindful with my months. Like time just doesn’t fly by I’m actually acknowledging it. November had stressful times and restful times. It had times I had to put in effort and times I hadn’t. One of my closest friends had birthday and my cat’s anniversary as well. (We have her since 7 years now)

Due to university I went to the theatre twice this month. Well, I cannot say I regret it because it’s something special that I don’t do regularly but I still felt pressured and not entirely pleasured. It’s still a difference if you do something because you WANT to do it or if you’re obliged to. The further the term goes and the more often I’m forced to leave the house I’m tackling social anxiety that I developed at the beginning of the year more and more. I still feel uncomfortable at times but it’s getting somewhere I think/feel.

Latest obsession: Doctor Strange (I’m so surprised that I still CAN indulge in fandoms and find joy in pop culture! For a long long long time I felt nothing at all when it came to worlds to enjoy whether it was the hobbit or avengers. Sherlock is probably one of the very very few things that sparks my mind, brain, imagination, heart and feelings always at all times. As you know there aren’t many episodes to watch but yet I find myself thinking of it every so often. Also known as writers mind. I just can’t stop making up stories.)
It’s interesting how certain characters in movies can make us feel different than before knowing them. While I like Mr. Strange himself as a superhero the Ancient One (portrayed by the amazing Tilda Swinton) will ultimately be my most favorite part of the movie. She or the character herself IS the way I want to be myself and what I yearn for in my own life. She is incredibly wise yet somehow free minded (care free?) and very calm. Everything she says or does seems to be in align with everything she believes in, her surrounding and she is at all times very calm. I know that this is just a piece of fiction but this is what I want to reach. To be more calm, aligned and yet a little more careless and spiritual.

I’ll watch the movie again at my birthday because I can’t just let it pass and wait until the DVD. Even though it’s expensive I just can’t.
Doctor Strange is a superhero I can relate to. And this is why:


Knowledge is for me a far higher power than having a bigger stick than others. Knowledge and wisdom are the two highest traits to me.

1. Reading:
I’ve been a good girl and read every day. Not only university stuff but also other things (not including the internet)
A+ but I struggle some days to keep it up.

2. Buying minimalistic:
Scratching this section. I can’t spend money that I don’t have and I definitely have no money currently to buy needless things so this is no longer a thing to think about.

3. Writing:
There goes NaNoWriMo and nothing from me with it. I just couldn’t find the effort and mind for it this year. Too much university. I’d made it a point to study everyday instead. I started to write a fanfiction on the 2nd of November and got 5 pages at the 4th. Since then I didn’t write in that document anymore. Well, I wrote other things. University notes, journaling and blog. Oh, and lots of emails and a long letter.

4. Being mindful/put in the extra step/permission to enjoy:
It’s hard. Not only sometimes but often. This is the reason this section is here to remind me to really do this and so far I’m getting better on it. Not perfect because on some days I just want to be and not put the effort in. This is the most stressful and sadly also terrible time of the year. I remind myself to put in the extra step and gain mental gold stars. This section will be here forever because I make it a point.
I mediated less than I wanted and I miss it terribly.

5. Health:
Hey, I stopped to eat French fries five times a week and now only have it once a week. That’s still an achievement for someone who can barely eat anything outside of the house. I walked a lot. Thanks to university and thanks to work as well I’m outside of the house most of the days. Which is good. I don’t eat that much crap anymore but I still fall back at times. I eat more fruits than sweets and I stopped getting coffee to go in disposable cups and reuse a thermo mug.

I know this has nothing to do with health but with the environment. I just realized how many cups I was throwing away on a weekly basis which doesn’t even make sense to me. This garbage is going somewhere and I do not like that. Therefore I put out my reusable thermo mug and I will carry this around with me or stay at the café to drink coffee from a ceramic mug. I produce too much waste that I don’t like. I also stopped going to Starbucks because I no longer care about flavored milk that claims to be coffee for 5 bucks. It’s not only overly expensive for someone who has no money to spare but I also only prefer black coffee now with a dash of lactose free milk. My taste just changed. Therefore I stopped.

Next month 2016 will end and I turn 28 and that’s why I will put it in. Everything I have. I will go to work those countless hours and I will just chuck it in the fuck it bucket and move along because I know I will be thankful later about it. I will study as much as I can. Yes, I live everyday just for the next day instead of the moment of now but as sure as the future comes, there will be another day and another and I will live them all to the fullest. And when 2017 comes I will not be the same person anymore I was before. Because I love change. Even though it’s hard. It gives me hope. It gives me drive. Change is the only constant in life.

It’s the end (of the month) as we know it – October edition

(I put everything in my weekly habit tracker in my bulletjournal and then log it into a monthly tracker)

Wow what an intense month that ends with a short holiday. Two exams are over. One that I passed and I have no idea yet about the second one. I have no result yet. Things gone wrong, things I go through, great things happened. For example I met someone really helpful who I’m glad to have met. I took a step further in healing and a step towards self-care.

The stray cat we have since March made a huge step forward – towards us. He really likes to cuddle now and does not run away immediately when there is no food involved. He now recognizes us, comes towards us and demands cuddles and meows. He even lies down on the sofa next to us without any biggie like he did this forever. I’m curious where this all will go in the next months.

1. Reading:
I read far less than last in September but that’s because I studied a whole lot everyday that my brain wasn’t capable to contain any more information.
The large gap for consecutive days tells me I deserve a C. I don’t mind but I’ll take the note to better myself for November.

2. Buying minimalistic:
I should cut this category. As a constant broke student I didn’t get to buy anything than the necessaries. No, I still leave this in here. Holds me a bit more accountable than just saying: “Screw it all!”
I didn’t buy physical stuff but I bought a movie ticket to experience something and I paid off my Japanese language course. So less materials, more experiences. oh wait, that’s not quite true. I bought myself a treat after every exam.
Still a B I would say. Maybe a B-

3. Writing:
Not as much as I could have but still more than a long while ago. Not perfect yet so I rate it as a C.
Now NaNoWriMo started today. I’m not sure if I can make it but I’ll definitely participate in it.

4. Being mindful/put in the extra step/permission to enjoy:
Made a huge step in permissions. I went outside the house for most days of the month and enjoyed watching Doctor Strange.
What I ultimately want to keep and do more is meditation. It gives me a lot and I like to do it. I just have to remind myself to do it daily.

5. Health:
I went outside and walked nearly every day. My diet is still pretty meh. Halloween didn’t help with it…
I caught up on annual medical appointments. Maybe a B for effort.

Even though those posts might get repetitive they do hold me accountable and I start with good intention into a new month knowing what to improve.

Less strange than the name says it

Last night I watched Doctor Strange. (Don’t worry. No spoilers here or at least not more than the usual content of the trailers and I promise this whole text is less about a comic book adaption)

The synopsis is that an overly eager and ambitious man who is only measuring himself and his worth in the skills he has and the money he possess. His ego is too much. After a tragic accident his precious hands can’t be fixed fully. While he tried everything logical and medical possible he seeks out something very unusual for him and is struck by his disbelieve.

So far for Doctor Strange. The whole movie I felt such a craving for all this ancient-power-part. I know there is more to us than the medical eye can see (no pun intended) and my horizon is far broader than the neurologist one but since a long while there is this underlying craving and longing for something deeper. Those things other people like to distract them their whole life long like TV shows, video games, books or gadgets or drugs or whatever you can think of the modern age to have and use does not hold anything anymore to me.
Those things have lost all their sense and matter to me. What I crave cannot be satisfied by those. Every single time I indulge in those distraction I feel like that’s not right or meant to be to me. Their grip isn’t tight enough on me and I lose interest in them quickly. They don’t serve me in the long run.

Especially this year I feel this craving SO much. It’s like my inside is telling me that those things aren’t true. That there is no substance to it.
Now that I write it out it sounds crazy to me. Too crazy maybe and I’m puzzled by myself. I just feel like there must be more. There has to be. This can’t be it. You wake up, work until your body can’t anymore and then die and during that all you distract yourself with SO many things as possible just not to feel deaths grip on you. That’s not my sense of life.
Definitely not and there must be more. There has to be. And I opened myself up to the spiritual things this year. It was less a discovery than a renewal. Spirituality is nothing new to me but now that I put one foot into it a strong craving awoke.

And while I’m jealous of Doctor Strange to experience the isolated temple (that has still wi-fi. I just wonder how) I’m jealous. Most often the world is too much to me. The internet has become a burden more than it serves. I do not want to be available 24/7 because why should I?

I once lived on the internet for the most time of my day and tried to be completely up to date and it made me sick. I know myself enough to know that total isolation from civilization wouldn’t be that good for me (hello extroverted nature) but I still envy everyone who takes a whole detox of it all. Of the whole modern age. (That is less modern than people might hold it accountable)

I want a cabin in the woods far away and while I crave this I know I can find this space inside of me. Whereas Doctor Strange enters the mirror world there is a safe space inside of us where we can find peace and rest and I still seek out this place.

Yes, yes, this is just a simple comic movie with lots of special effects but the underlying message is still there. There is truth in it. I don’t care if you brush this movie just off and say I should not think more into it than there is. For me there is more in it and I read more into it.
That’s just how I am. And for me it’s less about an over-egoed neurosurgeon and more about us all. All your spiritual mumbo jumbo. I like that a lot.

“We never lose our demons, we only learn to live above them.”
– the Ancient One

Hands full of ink or: The road to healing

While the harvest sun is shining through the window covering everything in gold my hands were stained with black ink and I felt so much at peace and happy at it. That I know I’m on the right track.

Little recap: After art school I wasn’t able to get into art college. I tried three times and also at art academy but they only told me I’m too young to apply. (I was 21 by then) Other told me to stop. After the setbacks I gave up on drawing and painting as a whole. I thought what use does all that wasted time do if nothing flourishes of it. Art as a whole has had a cherished place in my heart but I always felt something was missing since then. I dove into other crafts and video games but only now after years of not drawing and painting I realized how much I missed it. It was gone but I didn’t feel it.

Last year I painted a picture for the first time again in so many years. A white wing on a black canvas. The counterpart was hanging in my old room at my parents house. Black wing on white canvas. I never go to put them together so far.
I can’t remember if I was always so judgy with my art but I know that I constantly judged it as bad and not talented enough. Had I known the things I know now then I had not abandoned it from one day to the other. Talent only makes such a small percentage. What’s really important is determination and practice, practice and practice.

I still have the pieces from art school and when I look at them I can’t imagine to work such a long time on one piece now. There is a drawing I made of our former cat that I worked 14 days on with colored pencils.
When I gave up drawing and painting I gave up on myself. Don’t get me wrong: If something doesn’t make you happy anymore and you see yourself go nowhere with it it’s okay to give it up or try other things but I gave it up for the wrong reasons. I gave it up because others constantly told me to.

Since I couldn’t go to art college I gave up on others things as well. I started to get impatient with myself. I don’t see an immediate result I’m more to give up because I was told to. Because no one ever told me of long term effects and if I didn’t gave up my skill would be far better now because it’s a process.
No, people only told me if there is no immediate result it’s not worth pursuing.
And you don’t become an artist anyway because no one does. It’s only the others who do. You know the others but not you.

Since a short while now I go through something that effects my whole life and I’m on the road of self healing to even more break down instilled doctrines and standards, because as I said if something doesn’t feel right you give it up. (or in my case rebel against it)

Back then I didn’t know about resilience and what it means to be a resilient person and to me resilience has an underlying stubborn trait. Is someone who doesn’t give up resilient now or stubborn? Maybe to be resilient you need to be stubborn.

I never want to give up things again for the wrong reasons. Just because someone told me to.

Delete – Yes? No?

A few weeks ago Facebook told me I’m on it since 7 years. That was a shock and an awakening. A shock because time passes too quickly for my liking and an awakening because I’m not the same person I was 7 years ago.

Yesterday I deleted all my likes from pages in one go. Facebook has long stopped to be a tool for me and has become a drag. I wish I could just delete my whole profile but because of university and other friends that I can only reach through Facebook I’ll stay but that doesn’t keep me from cleaning up my feed. I deleted old photos and screenshots and erased 646 liked pages. How the hell did so many pile up? (And yes I still want to become a social media manager because something can be your job but you don’t have to do it personally.)

The pages I liked 7 years ago are not the pages I care about anymore now because nothing is more stagnant than change. (And I’m every online marketers hell) Think of how much power your like holds! Now my feed only shows the updates from a small handful of groups and friends postings which aren’t many because most of us have moved on to other social media or just got rid of it as a whole. I haven’t posted anything on my own Facebook wall for SO long. Farewell Facebook, I outgrew you.

I unfollowed, unsubcribed and unliked on all of my social media account everything that doesn’t serve me anymore. But as I was unliking all pages I wondered if I turned bitter. Which is (if you would know me personally) a totally bollocks thought and yet I felt like I turned bitter. But then again it’s my account. I can tailor it as much as I like!

But it’s not only my online presence. It’s also my place. When I look around it does not reflect me anymore but I’m too poor to change my interior just that easily and I will be in the future. So I just sell, throw away or donate what I can get rid of. I sold my XboX because I haven’t played any game in 3 years and I don’t feel any attachment to video games anymore. (and of course I could use the money)

Smaller things go into a box but there is this huge pile that makes the task at hand climbing Everest. I neither can find the time nor the energy to declutter everything and tidy every single room up. It’s more like a smaller every day decluttering (like donating old but still good clothes or throwing away ripped clothes).
My wardrobe no longer neither represents me nor are those the clothes I would like to wear but as a student I buy one clothing item in 6 months. That has to do. Even though I wish I could just throw everything out and fill it with new ones but that will remain a wish. And yet I’m so utterly thankful to even have stuff to declutter and donate because so many people have nothing!

My life does not represent the person I am now anymore. My appearance nor my outer world does represent me or my aesthetics and feels like it hasn’t caught up with who I am on the inside and to realize that (thanks to Lucy Moon!) was a major relieve.
Since more than a year I was having this underlying feeling of dread but I couldn’t point my fingers on it until I watched Lucy Moons video and this was eye opening. Someone finally put this feeling into words and now I know where the root lies and am able to work on it.

Because change is the only constant.

No, you’re not in control of your life

I’m done with empty promises and lies. I’m sure you have heard the saying:

You’re the one in control of your life! You are your own boss! Only you can change your life!

Well here is the truth no one wants to talk about: You are not in control of your life. Your life depends on the mercy of others.
Harsh isn’t it but it’s true. If you look underneath the blurry promise you see that your life indeed depends on others. Your life depends on your parents to have sent you to a school. Your life depends on a bank to get you a student loan. Your life depends on someone to employ you. Your life depends on someone to be able to feed yourself. Because else wise you would just starve. Your life depends so much on others that when one thing cracks everything ripples apart.
Your safety depends on others not to kill you and others who know how to prevent that.

Your food depends on someone producing that and someone else to give you the money to buy it and feed yourself.
Your warmth depends on the exploitation of the planet and other who produce your clothes. (No matter the circumstances they suffer)
Your happiness depends on as less worry as you can have.
Your hobbies depend on someone to produces supplies for it or offering a workshop.
Your health depends on others studying medicine to become doctors.
You social status depends on other people being elected to lead.

If there wouldn’t be someone to have send you to school, someone to employ you, someone to love you. You wouldn’t be anywhere. Feed me those lies where you tell me that everything you need lies within yourself. Thanks but no thanks. I’m done with new age lies and empty promises. Your life depends on others. Point.
You say: Let go of what you can’t control!
Well, that’s actually the reason I’m where I’m. And now I’m done with it.
But there is hope on this side of the universe:

Other peoples life also depends on you!

Whether you are a parent, a pet owner, a boss, a student. Other people’s lives are in your hands to make it better or worse. We all rely on the mercy of others and other rely on our mercy. And that’s damn assuring because it means you have power. Power that you where blind to. This has no judgment to it. It’s neither good or bad. It’s what you make with it. It’s on you to make others life easier and nicer as much as it is on others to make your life easier and nicer.

It begins with the small things:
Being polite and respectful to others. Smile to make one persons day better. Do your job so someone that relies on you isn’t frustrated with you or their lives aren’t falling apart because you miss out to do something you have been assigned to. You can lend an helping hand or ear to someone in despair to make their life better because they might not have anyone they can turn to.

Earning money so you can feed your pet, ensure the economy or send your kid to school which probably relies the most on you than on anyone else.

The truth is still that you depend on others and others depend on you. If there wouldn’t be teachers no children would be taught. If there wouldn’t be doctors you would just die of a cold. If there wouldn’t be bosses you would never earn money. If there wouldn’t be banks you could never go self-employed or start a business.
So stop feeding yourself that lie, because part of adulting is accepting the lies we have been fed as children and move on.

And this is my peace declaration with it.

And silently she sings her tune

A couple of months ago I had one of those moments with my mum that make me wonder that I was able to stay so calmly. It was probably only due to the shock of such an accusation.
For everyone who has children or think about having them: Here is a small lesson to what not to say to your own blood and flesh.

That moment I came into the dining room where my mother was sitting and reading the newspaper. I visit them frequently. She looked up and told me about a former classmate who was in the same class as mine in primary school. (Seriously? I never know anyone of any school ever anymore because my memory simply not cares)
That girl – same age as me – has become a professional cello player at the symphonic orchestra of this city. My first thought was that I was happy for her to pursue her passion. My moms first thought was and she spoke it out loud: Why don’t you have any hobbies or play any instrument?

That was the one sentence I will never forgive her. I know she never meant it bad but this came out a whole wrong way. I lived in her house for 25 years and over the years I pursued a whole army of hobbies. From sports to reading, writing, playing video games, to singing, horse riding, crafting, painting, scrapbooking, learn Japanese for 10 years. I wrote 2 full books. One with 50k words and another one that is still on my pile with 300 pages. But no I don’t have any hobbies. Did she even met me? I’m the queen of hobbies and yet I should not have one.

When I was 6 I was introduced to that hateful utterly crappy wooden flute seemingly every child is introduced to which I have no idea why because the tune is crappy. What was meant to be an entrance to other music instruments and music in itself made me hate it and run away from it. I was never handed another instrument and children only don’t know what you don’t teach or show them.

When I was 14 I begged my parents for a bass guitar or even an electric guitar. I begged them but they refused. So I took all my savings, Christmas and birthday money to buy a bass guitar and a tuner. I tried to teach myself but I quickly realized I wasn’t making any progress because I didn’t really know where to start. I begged my parents again to pay for lessons because they are freaking expensive and would have taken more than my monthly pocket money. They refused.

So it’s not like I didn’t try. Fast forward. I’m still surprised that I stayed so calm at the face of such an accusation. And it makes me sad. Does this mean she never cared for what I do so she doesn’t know? (I know this isn’t true but this is still an underlying feeling)

Apparently reading and writing don’t count as hobbies in her book. The fact that I wrote 2 full books and an extended hard drive full of word documents aside. I pursued so many great hobbies that led me to have plenty of absolutely amazing skills. (Never argue with me about the sense of video games)

I never played an instrument because no one led me but this will change. I’m a grownup now. I can allow the child inside of me to do whatever the fuck it wants and pleases. It’s never too late to start an instrument. Yeah, I will never be the next Lindsey Stirling, David Garrett or Paganini but I also don’t care about that.
So never tell your child it has no hobbies if you didn’t introduce it to some. A child only know what it’s shown.

And no I didn’t nuke on my mom for it but it leaves a scar. This is my band aid to heal it. And next year I’ll buy myself a violin. You are never too old to start anything you desire.