Hands full of ink or: The road to healing

While the harvest sun is shining through the window covering everything in gold my hands were stained with black ink and I felt so much at peace and happy at it. That I know I’m on the right track.

Little recap: After art school I wasn’t able to get into art college. I tried three times and also at art academy but they only told me I’m too young to apply. (I was 21 by then) Other told me to stop. After the setbacks I gave up on drawing and painting as a whole. I thought what use does all that wasted time do if nothing flourishes of it. Art as a whole has had a cherished place in my heart but I always felt something was missing since then. I dove into other crafts and video games but only now after years of not drawing and painting I realized how much I missed it. It was gone but I didn’t feel it.

Last year I painted a picture for the first time again in so many years. A white wing on a black canvas. The counterpart was hanging in my old room at my parents house. Black wing on white canvas. I never go to put them together so far.
I can’t remember if I was always so judgy with my art but I know that I constantly judged it as bad and not talented enough. Had I known the things I know now then I had not abandoned it from one day to the other. Talent only makes such a small percentage. What’s really important is determination and practice, practice and practice.

I still have the pieces from art school and when I look at them I can’t imagine to work such a long time on one piece now. There is a drawing I made of our former cat that I worked 14 days on with colored pencils.
When I gave up drawing and painting I gave up on myself. Don’t get me wrong: If something doesn’t make you happy anymore and you see yourself go nowhere with it it’s okay to give it up or try other things but I gave it up for the wrong reasons. I gave it up because others constantly told me to.

Since I couldn’t go to art college I gave up on others things as well. I started to get impatient with myself. I don’t see an immediate result I’m more to give up because I was told to. Because no one ever told me of long term effects and if I didn’t gave up my skill would be far better now because it’s a process.
No, people only told me if there is no immediate result it’s not worth pursuing.
And you don’t become an artist anyway because no one does. It’s only the others who do. You know the others but not you.

Since a short while now I go through something that effects my whole life and I’m on the road of self healing to even more break down instilled doctrines and standards, because as I said if something doesn’t feel right you give it up. (or in my case rebel against it)

Back then I didn’t know about resilience and what it means to be a resilient person and to me resilience has an underlying stubborn trait. Is someone who doesn’t give up resilient now or stubborn? Maybe to be resilient you need to be stubborn.

I never want to give up things again for the wrong reasons. Just because someone told me to.

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