About writing and my relationship to journals

I love journals. I buy them. I hoard them. I’m like Smaug, just with journals and books. I don’t have as many as I would like and I have probably far too much for all the things I want to write down.
They are beautiful. All of them! I ordered one and waited three weeks for it and now I’m disappointed with it. After all I have some expectations. It doesn’t lie down on the surface as well as I wish it would and I hear the glue of the binding cracking, so it’s not even stitched. I will keep it because it’s unusual and from Sherlock Holmes. (In case you want to look at it: Sherlock Holmes Novel Journal)

I also ordered a new dotted Leuchtturm1917 (highly recommended brand in opposition to Moleskine) for Bullet Journaling. I stared Bullet Journaling in March 2016 after a friend told me about hers and showed it to me. That totally convinced me to dive into that.

It arrived yesterday and today I sat down for 5 hours to set it up and it taught me a damn lot. A damn lot about perfectionism and how entirely imperfect life is. It like the BJ because of it’s flexibility and it can hold everything I need and want and like. I can put everything in there I plan to do in one day/week/month – you name it – and I can make it look how I want it. I have a bit bigger handwriting so I need more space to write down my dailies.

While I was setting my new BJ up I used a few printables and just as I was drawing the Calendex I messed up two lines and a some smudging which was still small but still there. The perfectionist in me was pissed but okay, I can go with it. Then I was writing the dates of the days into the corner of each box and while I was at November I wondered why the days don’t fit into one month even though I calculated how much space I needed. I figured that I messed up along the way counting the days. So I wrote the wrong number in the wrong box…. I was so enraged that I put it aside and thought: “If I can’t come up with something good now I’ll throw this thing outside the window, take the toll and order a new one.” (Of course I wouldn’t want to waste another 15 bucks for another new one)

But – here is where desperation hits creativity – I came up with covering the whole pages of the Calendex with coloring pictures that I ripped out of a coloring magazine. I cut them to the right size, glued them onto the pages and printed out pre-made monthly boxes with number in it. Then I put washi tape around everything as borders and I have to say I really like how it looks like now.
I feel like Bob Ross, where you think he messes up his own picture with that huge black stroke right in the middle but turns out to be more beautiful in the end. Good lesson for patience and perfection. I still keep it very minimalistic just black and white and golden titles for the months and weeks.

The color I put in comes in the dailies where I write down every task with certain colors after my color code. (you know: red for work, green for appointments, yellow for holidays, turqoise for tasks and so on)
I put in another coloring picture as cover for January and a color in bookshelf for my “books I want” and “TBR”- lists.

The Bullet Journal is anthracite-gray and has a name now: Doctor; like in Doctor Who. Because it’s gray as his hair and freaking difficult and complicated.
I also got a filofax Domino in green polka dot. I named it Clara because it’s small, light and cheery. I got this filofax by kind of an accident. Since one or two months I thought about getting a buddy for my BJ because it got quite heavy and it’s big (A5 hardcover).
I wanted something smaller, simpler and lighter to carry around outside of the house but I didn’t buy anything because it’s not really something that I essentially need.

Before my birthday I found a broken filofax at work and got it for free. (We can’t sell broken things, so it gets sorted out and what can’t be send back to companies stays or gets thrown away)
The closing button was ripped out and I thought about sticking it back on with superglue or hot glue but a colleague at work suggested to send it to filofax themselves. I expected them to send it back to me because I had no receipt (and that’s completely fine!) but they offered me a discount in their shop if I ordered a new one. So I did order a new one. A small handy one in green polka dot and I love it. It’s so beautiful and neat.
It’s a bit hard to write in because of the rings but if it’s something longer to write I’ll just take the page out.
So I accidently got a companion for my BJ. Thank you universe!

As you can see I still rely on old school planning and handwriting. I also write journal in my BJ. (I flip it around upside down not to mess with daily planning) I write journal in separate journals. I used to write daily. I tried morning pages. I used to write prayer journal. Back then a long time ago I used to write fiction stories and poetry onto paper by longhand but it was too distressing on my wrist so I typed instead.

My handwriting is neither artsy nor lettering nor pretty. It’s a mix between cursive and block letters. Simple but practical and yet I love it. Typing is great for longer things but I still like to write letters or journal by longhand. I write journal for various reasons but mostly to get it out of my heart and head. I never really fill a journal to the end before I buy a new one. Some of my journals only have a couple of pages of writing, the rest is unused.

When do I write journal? Well, every time I have something that needs to get out. By the time it pops up in my head I have nothing laying around to write down so I take mental note until I have a journal and write it out. Comes out totally different than I had in my mind before but that’s with all writing.

I love to set down pen to paper. Liquid ink to dead wood. I don’t particular like my handwriting but that doesn’t really matter. I learned to live with it. Often times I feel like writing but nothing comes up in my mind oh, and I don’t always write in my mother tongue German. I write a lot in English and maybe that’s why it is so hard.
My English is far from perfect or business but a lot better than it used to be in school. I listened to everything in English. I read everything in English. It’s a rare occasion for me to watch a show in German. I only go to the movies if I can see the movie in original language (English).
I despise most German dub thanks to my Anime time where I watched every single Anime in Japanese original dub with English subtitles because I couldn’t bear how the German voices spoke the words. One very famous example is Sasuke from Naruto. The ‘U’ is mute!!! German dub will never learn it to align more with the original language. The same with the translation of John Snows name to ‘John Schnee’ in the new publishing of the GoT books. Never change a person’s name!

I’m so glad Netflix kept every single noun in the German version of Shadowhunters. The mundanes are still mundanes in German. Except for warlock which is shamefully translated to ‘Hexenmeister’. A warlock in the shadowhunter universe is not the same as the understanding of a ‘Hexenmeister’ (High magician) They should have kept the name of ‘warlock’. It’s the name of an entire species after all. (/geek end)

As you can see don’t get me started on translations or dub. It’s difficult where to cut the line between keeping names of things or species and to translate them so you don’t end up with every second word in English. (Sonic Screwdriver = ger.: Schallschraubenzieher – semi happy with this)

Thank god for the choice I have…..oh where was I just now and what was this entry about again? Oh, yes writing!
I love writing and yet I don’t give it enough time of my life. There are plenty of things to write about and yet I don’t write as much as I wish I would because I simply don’t prioritize it enough and because I’m scared.
I’m scared to mess it up. I can’t find the right words for the first few lines so I give up. And yet there is nothing that fulfills me more than writing. I get a real kick out of it. It speaks to something inside of me I can’t pin point but it’s there and it’s like birthday, Christmas and the most great moments are all at once. ALL the feels at once! It’s messy, it hurts, I hurt my characters, I let them hurt others, I let them love, I let them kill, I let them feel things I didn’t know I could feel, I let them own the world, the good the bad and the ugly.

And sometimes I just put thoughts down with no intent.

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