The next university term starts in two weeks and reflecting on the 2 1/2 months of holiday I achieved maybe one quarter of what I wanted to do. Because there is a huge gap between the things I say I want to do and the things I actually do. In the beginning of my holiday I came across the movie “The picture of Dorian Gray” with Ben Barnes because: Ben Barnes.
I haven’t watched the movie yet but I bought the book by Oscar Wilde (which I’m obsessed with now. Oh, so sassy, so witty, right my kind of author). I didn’t read the book yet. Because of the gothic genre in general I watched another two movies that fit into that and bought the collected works of Edgar Allan Poe.
I had a lot of ideas for stories that I wanted to write. Original stories and fan fiction. I wrote my ideas down but I never started to actually write the story. Fast forward to today: Still didn’t watch/read/write anything I sat out to do in the beginning but I’m still obsessed with Dorian Gray. I love everything about it. Since the first time I saw a vampire on TV when I was six years old (‘Rüdiger, the little vampire’ – a kids tv show) I’m fascinated and obsessed with immortality. Something mankind will never achieve because “Everything that lives has to die”, as Hamlet says. But I still read, played, watched and wrote about vampires and every other immortal.
Along my life I obsessed and obsess about a lot of things. There were months I was obsessed with Naruto, Batman, certain games, crystals, you name it. (Aside from the big ones of course: Harry Potter, Star Wars, Sherlock, My little pony) I never regret any of my fandoms or obsessions ever. They led me to great knowledge about various things and plenty enough stories that I can’t tell anymore because there is not enough lifetime left for me. They all sparked creativity, critical thinking and imagination. God, I never want to stop being inspired and obsessed by things.
Back to Dorian Gray. Who wouldn’t love to be like him? I would. I would like that my good looks and charm get me everything I wanted and not even really work for it. To live forever to see how mankind changes and progresses in the future. To have the freedom of time to learn any skill and knowledge and see all the places in the world. But even Dorian had to realize that his immortality might be more of a curse then a blessing. Question: Do you really want to struggle through eternity with the world it is today? You cannot just travel forward in time.
You’re immortal, not the Doctor! With how the world is today I doubt I want to see mankind in 300 years. They still might be there but how would I have ended up along the way? In a unexpected war zone? Raped? (Because immortality not invincibility)
Seeing all your friends get old and die. Everyone around you gets sick or dies and you cannot form any long-lasting relationship because every decade you have to move away getting a whole new identity to protect yourself from crazy scientist who want your secret to eternal life. No matter how long you can extend pleasure. I’m not sure if I would want this gift.
And yes, pleasure is an addiction. Just spend a week doing only the things you like to do and that you find easy. Whatever that might be and you realize you don’t want to stop. You want it to go on for forever like this. Enjoying the best food, just watching TV, just reading, painting, just pure pleasure. And when it goes like that for a while I get the feeling the holidays are too long.
Only fun and no work make ME a dull….person. I work in the holidays and I wish I could work more but sadly my working place doesn’t seem generous with us. No, they even cut back our hours that I barely earn anything anymore. That’s why I quit.
I’m not mourning about having too much free time because I use it wisely for self improvement, improving skills and to study for university beforehand. I’m saying that I have an underlying feeling that there needs to be more.
Something more long lasting, deeper.